Chapter 10. The Nature of Life is a Terminal Diagnosis
Sunday April 23, 2023
Good Sunday morning Beloved Reader,
Some may feel the subject of this chapter is morbid, and being the word nerd that I am, I looked it up and the Oxford English Dictionary offers this definition of morbid: “having or expressing a strong interest in sad or unpleasant things, especially disease or death.”
However, the true nature of this chapter describes how—by traversing two journeys: Jamie’s cancer and the two-year interfaith seminary program I completed—I learned to think differently about death and dying.
Human beings are mortal, there is no escaping this fact, and the OED defines mortal as the state of being human and not living forever. Death is such a taboo topic in our culture, which is of course ironic as there is an end to this human experience we’re having as spiritual beings. But by investigating this ‘unmentionable’ subject, we get a taste for living with the end in mind which encourages us to fully inhabit this present moment (also known as The Power of Now.) This provides a freedom and liberation that I’ve noticed is embodied by the senior Buddhist monks in the monastery across the road from us.
Please note: if you are new to this Substack, I have been periodically releasing serialized chapters of The Rising of the Divine Feminine and the Buddhist Monks Across the Road: A Memoir, which are now free for one month after publication, after which they move behind the paywall. The following chapters have been released on Substack; most of them now behind the paywall.
To read a description of the whole book, please read the bottom of the post: An Invitation. You may also visit the Table of Contents. If you like what you’re reading and want to start from the beginning, I urge you to buy a subscription to keep reading.
As noted in earlier posts, as the author of this memoir I have created a character of myself on the page, who is also the narrator of this book. And a brief description of the chapters in this braided narrative so far:
Chapter 1. New York City, October 2010: Jamie in a New York City hospital’s Emergency Room.
Chapter 2. New Hampshire, April 2012 (One and a Half Years Later): Camilla begins a 2-year spiritual journey through an interfaith seminary program.
Chapter 3. Before the ER: what happened right before Jamie went to hospital.
Chapter 4. New York Presbyterial Hospital, October 2010: back in the ER and some backstory.
Chapter 5. Circle Leadership, New Hampshire, September, 2012: shows how circle leadership is different from the patriarchal hierarchies Camilla experienced in corporate America.
Chapter 6. New York City, October 2010, Biopsy Surgery: shows the dismal atmosphere in the hospital’s “recovery room” and how Camilla wakes up to how she had been unconsciously driven by her own Inner Patriarch.
Chapter 7. Sadhana, New Hampshire, October 2012: shares the transformational power of a daily spiritual practice and of connecting with one’s own inner divinity and authority.
Chapter 8. New York City, October 2010, Waiting for Diagnosis: for the seven days between Jamie’s biopsy surgery and learning his diagnosis Camilla and Jamie were consumed with the Fear of what might transpire.
Chapter 9. Courage, New Hampshire, October 2012: Camilla meets with Rev. Stephanie to design her own spiritual practice and experiences “how sacred sound creates mystical unity.”
And below is chapter 10.
Copyright © 2023 by Camilla Sanderson
All rights reserved. No part of this book may be reproduced or reprinted without the author’s written permission.
Chapter 10. The Nature of of Life is a Terminal Diagnosis
Up until the point in time in my early 40s of waiting for Jamie’s diagnosis, I had not spent a lot of time thinking about death and dying.
Later, in interfaith seminary, I will consider how the cultural conditioning to not discuss death, dying, and mortality, had not served me, nor anyone I know.
Later, in interfaith seminary, I will also contemplate my own mortality. One of our coursework questions will ask us to write our own epitaph. My response will include an old Scottish gravestone engraving:
Consider friend, as you pass by;
As you are now, so once was I.
As I am now, so you will be.
Prepare for death, and follow me.
Later, I will discover an app called WeCroak which is inspired by a Bhutanese cultural belief: to be happy in life, one must contemplate death five times a day. Each day the WeCroak app sends five different quotes—invitations to stop and think about death.
Reminder: don’t forget you’re going to die. Open for a quote.
Today’s quote reads: “Maybe you have to know the darkness before you can appreciate the light.” —Madeleine L’Engle
Later, I will learn about how Buddhist monks meditate on their own death. We will meet a Theravadin Thai Forest Buddhist monk, Ajahn Jayanto, who will become our neighbor and friend. When we discuss Jamie’s cancer with him, he will say to us, “It’s wise to consider your own death. Not in a morbid way. But in a way that confronts your own mortality.”
I will learn that Thai Forest Buddhist monks spend time contemplating and imagining their own dead body, and that their intention with this practice, is to cultivate their capacity to fully embody the present moment. I will observe the benefits of this practice in how the monks epitomize an ease, joy, and freedom of being in the present moment. Learning this perennial wisdom will help me to practice surrendering into the present moment, and to bring into focus what is truly important in my own life.
To truly, deeply know in my heart that we all, one day, will die; will be one of the most liberating and freeing spiritual principles that I embrace. “To die before I die.”
Later, I will consider the extent to which I want to control what is happening, is directly proportional to my Fear of death and dying.
Later, I will discover the experience of deep inner peace that is possible with acceptance of what is, and in surrender to God. And when I use the word God, I am pointing towards what each human being may conceive God to be—a Divine Intelligence, the Creator, the Force—not the one, single definition of God that is promoted by patriarchal religions.
Later, I will feel that these are the gifts of Jamie’s cancer for us both.
~
But Jamie’s cancer at the age of forty-five, forces a premature confrontation with death.
It’s not until much later that we will understand it as an opportunity for spiritual growth.
Click to read chapter 12.
Thank you for sharing! The title of this post reminded me of the memoir No Cure for Being Human by Kate Bowler, which I really enjoyed. Also, what a great app recommendation!
Love this chapter. I worked in hospice for several years and, working side-by-side with those who are in their final months, weeks, days- taught me so much, especially to not have regrets at the end of my life and of course the value, the richness of the present moment.