Evolving Love Beyond the Gaze of Patriarchy
Hello beloved reader,
Perhaps one of the greatest shifts we’re witnessing in human relationships—particularly between men and women—is how we are disentangling love from the patriarchal gaze. In the old paradigm, the man with a patriarchal mindset expected his wife—which he often unconsciously viewed as his possession—to be the “best.” He expected her to be “perfect.” Better than other women. Which is such a false and soul-destroying premise.
Not only does this mindset lay the ground for women to compete with each other, it also turns the very act of love into a competition. It turns women into commodities. And it turns relationships into silent battlegrounds, where insecurity festers beneath the surface.
When a man carries this kind of patriarchal expectation—often unconsciously—he does not see his partner. He sees an idealized image. A fantasy version of the woman he wants her to be. And when the real, complex, radiant woman—with all her “muck” like the Lotus flower1 —inevitably emerges (as she must), he may feel betrayed. Disappointed. Sometimes even resentful.
This is not love.
This is projection.
But something is changing.
I observe it in conversations with friends, in sacred circles, and sometimes even in popular culture—particularly in memoirs written by women. There’s a quiet revolution happening—led by women who have had enough of contorting themselves into someone else’s idea of “perfect.”
So many women no longer want to be the “best” according to some out-of-date patriarchal definition. They want to be real. To be authentic.
A man with more “self” awareness—or at least awareness of his own ego so that he’s not identified with his ego—will value a woman for who she is. With all of her gifts and challenges, and all the sweet little quirks that make her uniquely her.
How can you say a daffodil is more beautiful than a rose? Each flower has its own beauty. Of course a human being may have a personal preference for a particular kind of flower, but contrary to the outdated patriarchal paradigm, there is not one, singular beauty standard that says that any particular flower is the most beautiful flower in the world. Or the “best” flower.
Perhaps this is how relationships have evolved during our recent history and herstory. Perhaps women have had enough of trying to be something they’re not, and are more interested in collaborating with, rather than competing with, other women.
This evolution in love is not just about women finding their voices. It’s also about men and women awakening to their conditioning. The men who are willing to examine their ego-indentified expectations, who begin to see how they’ve been trained to possess rather than cherish, to compare rather than connect, to relate from ego rather than soul, these are the men who are helping to co-create a new template for love.
A more conscious love.
A love that says: I see you. All of you.
Not because you’re perfect, but because you’re human—along with all of the unique aspects of character that make you you.
There’s a beautiful freedom in being loved for your whole self. Not your curated self. Not your Instagrammable self. Your full, soulful, wild, mysterious self. And that kind of love is what I believe we are being called toward, collectively.
We are unhooking from the myth of perfection.
We are softening into truth, integrity, and authenticity.
We are remembering how to love without domination or disguise.
And perhaps, beloved reader, these challenging times are the very crucible through which human consciousness is being refined and evolved—facilitating, at last, the full reclamation of the Divine Feminine.
May tenderness and truth envelop us as we walk each other home.
I’d love to hear the truth of your experience.
Have you felt the pressure to be the “best” in a relationship? Have you experienced a shift—either in yourself or with a partner—toward more authentic connection? What does conscious love look like to you?
I look forward to hearing from you in the comments.
This chapter of the memoir I serialized on this Substack describes how, like the Lotus flower, we blossom because of the muck, not in spite of it.
Camilla, I love, love this. And I agree, agree! The mad world that we see now does not end using the same methods that created it. The Divine Feminine is rising. Not a top down take over. But as a roar of love. A roar of authenticity. A roar of that comes through remembrance and seeing our interconnectiveness with everything. No it's not a top down take over, its a dismantling of the very foundation that keeps patriarchy alive. And this is not only for women - men need this too. Actually this is not gender specific, for we all have the yin and the yang within us.
"So many women no longer want to be the “best” according to some out-of-date patriarchal definition. They want to be real. To be authentic."
That desire to be real and authentic is a driving force for good in our culture. For me, the pressure to be the best was a call that came from inside the house. My husband and I entered our marriage as two deeply flawed beings. We decided early on that marriage was a spiritual path to know one another deeply, to encourage and support each other's unfolding, and it was not a place to prove ourselves, but rather reveal ourselves.
Patriarchy and Matriarchy can be a similar marriage -- one of learning how to better allow and witness each other while learning to take delight in the growth that comes from self-knowledge. I'm still a flawed human being, very imperfect. But, in this grand third chapter, I accept those flaws and cherish the character and nuance they've contributed to my life.
A beautiful and provocative piece, Camilla. Biggest of hugs dear woman.