That Tango Dance
Tuesday March 28, 2023
Hello Dear Reader,
On Saturday, four of us gathered at our 79-year old friend’s new home—she only just had it built last year. She’s a former anthropology professor, now working intermittently as a therapist, and was drawn to the area because of the Thai Forest Buddhist monastery that took root in 2014 on 250 acres across the road from our home. Her house is set on a small, bucolic meadow in a larger community of a tree farm, and her kitchen-dining-living area is a beautiful, open and airy space with several long and narrow picture windows allowing in an abundance of light. As we sat at her table eating lunch, I couldn’t help being mesmerized by the large, soft snowflakes falling gently on the trees outside.
Jamie, my husband and partner of 33 years, had been out that morning and bought two varieties of croissants—almond and chocolate—from a local baker. I had made a butternut squash soup with coconut milk, ginger, and a touch of maple syrup. Our 39-year-old friend Louis, a six-foot-two, ginger bearded, kind-hearted soul (nicknamed the “Jolly Ginger Giant”) said the soup was too sweet for him and added some grated Romano cheese. It made me think of how my late father used to say, “à chacun son goût”—each to their own; everyone has their own taste. Louis brought a whole wheat bread and a kind of olive focaccia that (to my taste) went very well with the soup. He’d also brought a delightful selection of tea and tea-drinking accouterment that we enjoyed after lunch.
In addition to our 79-year-old friend hosting us, she had also made a roast-beet salad with finely chopped onions, dressed with a light vinaigrette; sautéed greens, as well as other delights including cheeses, crackers, avocados, and strawberries. I greatly appreciate the kindness and generosity inherent in both our friends; and not only generosity in the material realm, but also their generosity of spirit.
For the past several weeks, we’ve been gathering for conversation based on the Buddhist “suttas.” I learned from our Buddhist monk neighbors that in the Theravada Buddhist tradition, suttas are verses in the “Pali Cannon” which is what one may call their “sacred text.” A written record of the teachings from the Buddha.
So far, I have found it to be more enlightening to listen to everyone’s conversation about the suttas, than my own actual reading of the texts. I learned from my experience in interfaith seminary that certain sacred texts resonate with me more than others. (Perhaps again, “à chacun son goût.”) Personally, I was deeply moved by the ancient, Hindu sacred text, The Bhagavad Gita—which I have written about in my yet-to-be traditionally published-book. But this is not to say that I cannot learn something from how the Buddhist suttas land in my friends.
In addition to discussing the suttas, our conversations roam through many topics. At one point our friend Louis spoke of his upcoming move to Colorado and how the rents are exceedingly expensive. He expounded on the issue of what he calls, “the absentee and grifting landlord class.”
I reacted—perhaps more of an unconscious reaction than a conscious response.
“I don’t have an issue with a person investing their hard-earned money into real estate and then renting it out. And you Millennials all have this issue of ‘We’ve got it worse than anyone,’” I said.
Yes, I can be controversial and provocative, and this turned out to be a fiery spark to a dry stack of kindling. Off we went. We got into that Tango dance of opposites: me taking the position of “stop your whining, everyone has challenges” and him taking the position of “there is deep injustice here that needs to be fixed.” And both perspectives are true.
The following day I reflected on what made me strike flint to stone to create that spark. Perhaps those conversations/debates are healthy and necessary as it creates a space where each person talks about issues that are important to them and we get to hear opposite perspectives.
But perhaps it’s also true that harmony and peaceful discourse are just as important.
I wondered if life was showing me something about radical self-acceptance? In other words, if I had been in full acceptance of the fact that I am not a political activist, in contrast to my friend being interested in political activism, perhaps if I simply accepted this about each of us, there would be no need for debate?
But perhaps it’s healthy to debate these kinds of issues?
I’m leaving you, my dear reader, with more questions than answers.
~
The next morning, feeling cheeky, I texted Louis this meme from Eckhart Tolle:
He wasn’t impressed. I also emailed him an early draft of this article and he replied, “I understand that you feel I am complaining about an injustice and that complaining gets one nowhere. I find those calling people “complaining millennials” to be condescending. It dismisses whatever is on the table as noise not worth hearing and there is no discussion to be had in that space.”
Louis also shared these wise words, “That said, do I think we can still have discussions? Of course. I enjoy them. There is a chance for going too far sometimes and that is ok too. I don’t doubt that any of us wish each other harm in the slightest and that’s what makes more heated chats possible. We have to bring our ideas forth in order to test them out and allow for them to be tempered and adjusted amongst friends.”
~
One thing I know for sure: when we live in community, there will be diverse perspectives. And perhaps when we partake in passionate debates, it is essential to remember: we do not wish each other harm.
Perhaps, also, the old patriarchal paradigm is to debate to try to get the other person to think the same way that you do.
But what if we play with a different paradigm? A paradigm where we re-claim the divine feminine: where we simply accept different perspectives, different religions, different ways of being, and thinking, and seeing.
Maybe intense debates are part of human nature and culture, but maybe the Buddhist monks can also teach us something about living in harmony with each other too.
Perhaps this is all part of becoming conscious of the Rising and Re-claiming of the Divine Feminine. Maybe it’s part of dreaming into being “the more beautiful world our hearts know is possible.”
May it be so.✨🌟💖🙏🕊️