Sunday June 4, 2023
Good morning Beloved Reader,
I’m feeling called to share the below excerpt from PART THREE of THE BOOK, in part because of a request for writing about sacred sexuality that I received from a beautifully supportive reader and amazing writer, Kelley Murphy, whose wonderful Substack is called, Sacred Seeds.
However, the writing below does not discuss the sacred nature of when we may choose to act on a sexual feeling that may arise. This is not my area of professional expertise. From what I’ve read, Dr. Esther Perel seems to address sexuality in a healthy way, and she has written many books and given several Ted Talks. I am also aware that the topic of Kundalini addresses the energy of sacred sexuality.
What I am interested in is how when a sexual feeling may arise in a man — even a celibate monk — there can be a tendency in a patriarchal culture to blame the woman for how he feels.
This excerpt below includes a section from the American Buddhist nun, Pema Chodron, that addresses the issue of how we are each responsible for our own feelings — including feelings of sexual arousal. Or to put it in another way: if I see an exquisite looking chocolate and I cannot help but eat it, is it the chocolate’s fault that I ate it? Oh that chocolate was so enticing I couldn’t resist it.
No! I am responsible for my feelings, and my actions.
Because of the conditioning from the dominant patriarchal religion, it’s important to first get to a place where there is no feeling of guilt or wrongness for even having a sexual feeling: it’s essential to take out the judgment our culture brainwashes people to have around sexual feelings.
It’s important to simply be able to recognize, “This is a sexual feeling,” and how delightful that may feel. But that doesn’t mean we have to act on that feeling.
All feelings in this body arise and pass away, and we have a choice about whether or not to act on any feeling.
~
May the Rising and Re-Claiming of the Divine Feminine heal the unhealthy indoctrination that so many people have been infected with about one of the most beautiful and sacred human acts — regardless of whether or not the intention is to create a child.
Please note: if you are new to this Substack, I have been periodically releasing serialized chapters of The Rising of the Divine Feminine and the Buddhist Monks Across the Road: A Memoir, which are now free for one month after publication, after which they move behind the paywall.
To read a description of the whole book, please read the bottom of the post: An Invitation. You may also visit the Table of Contents. If you like what you’re reading and want to start from the beginning, I urge you to buy a subscription to keep reading.
Perhaps you can think of it as buying me a coffee in the spirit of supporting my work.
Copyright © 2023 by Camilla Sanderson
All rights reserved. No part of this book may be reproduced or reprinted without the author’s written permission.
An excerpt from PART THREE of THE BOOK:
…Since getting to know some of the Buddhist monks across the road, I often wonder about the relationship between a monk’s state of consciousness — including an awareness of their own ego — and the extent to which a monk practices renunciation. Personally, I’m not interested in making the choice to renounce all that they renounce: not being able to make their own food, not eating after 1:00 p.m., no money, no sex, no driving, no entertainment, no digging in the earth to garden (so as not to kill any bugs or earthworms) and the list goes on. However — especially with the more practiced and senior monks who have been a monk for more than 20 years — I am impressed by their presence and their state of consciousness, and if, or how, it may be connected with their choice of renunciation.
Personally, I have long been suspicious of any faith tradition that insists on celibacy for its priests, monks, nuns, etc. My suspicion comes from the fact that as human beings, our bodies have natural sexual impulses. As the poet Mary Oliver describes in Wild Geese:
You only have to let the soft animal of your body love what it loves.
I’ve observed that if a man denies his sexuality; if he’s unconscious of his sexual feelings; or if he feels shame or guilt as he’s been conditioned that his very normal, natural sexual impulses are sinful, then he may repress his sexual feelings and as a result, his sexuality may come out sideways — perhaps an example of this is when Catholic priests molest small children.
Jamie and I had gone to see a musical in Boston: the Broadway show of, The Book of Mormon. There is a very funny scene, where, in the song, Turn it Off, they make fun of the way that feelings can be repressed.
When you start to get confused, Because of thoughts in your head
Don't feel those feelings, Hold them in instead!
Turn it off, like a light switch, Just go click.
It's a cool little Mormon trick.
We do it all the time; When you're feeling certain feelings
That just don't feel right, Treat those pesky feelings like a reading light
And turn 'em off.
Like a light switch, just go "bap"
Really, whats so hard about that?
Turn it off.
For me, this is genius humor. It shines a light on the very human phenomenon of arising sexual feelings, not knowing what to do with the feelings, and it makes us laugh at the immediate reaction to repress those feelings: just “turn it off.”
There is forgiveness in laughter. And this kind of humor helps us to recognize our very human foibles and laugh about them.
As the Buddhist monks across the road here are celibate, I can’t help but be curious about their training. Perhaps the ideal is that they are able to feel a sexual feeling, simply notice the feeling, fully experience the feeling, and choose not to act on it, rather than repress it. I admit I haven’t broached this subject with the monks — I’m chicken. But I know they practice this with other thoughts and feelings that arise: not to identify with the thought or feeling, not to cling to it.
But it does make me think about how valuable this kind of training would be for any human being: the practice of being conscious of and simply observing whatever feeling may arise and pass away. Making a conscious choice to truly feel the feeling —not being worried about sin or guilt — and whenever I use the word sin, I think of its original meaning in Aramaic: to miss the mark.
In making a conscious choice about whether or not to act on the feeling — and that includes all of our feelings — those we may label positive, and those we may label negative: anger, hate, lust, greed, shame, fear, guilt, grief, etc. Whatever label we apply of positive or negative, all feelings are simply a natural, normal, part of the human experience.
We have been culturally conditioned by growing up in the West, to deny any emotion that may be labeled ‘negative,’ rather than to simply feel the feeling for the 90-seconds it lasts, and allow it to transform. This 90-second duration of a feeling is written about extensively by the neuroanatomist, Jill Bolte Taylor in her book, My Stroke of Insight. And that 90-second duration includes all feelings.
In essence, this is a very simple practice, but say, for example, with anger, I find it incredibly challenging not to just react. It seems to take many, many, many hours of practice to be able to remember, in the heat of the moment, to respond, versus react. To develop the capacity to simply say, “This is anger.” And not yell or scream or act on the anger. As you may imagine, Jamie is very supportive of my practice of this observing, versus reacting.
But further to the subject of the arising of sexual feelings with celibate monks, I was fascinated to hear Pema Chodron discuss the difference between renunciation and repression in her audio book, Bodhisattva Mind: Teachings to Cultivate Courage and Awareness in the Midst of Suffering.
Not only am I calmed and soothed simply by the sound and tenor of Pema’s voice, but the topics she discusses are so relevant to celibate monks. She reads aloud:
VERSE 21: If this is how I act and live, then even in the midst of evil folk, or even with fair women, all is well. My diligent observance of the vows will not decline.
And she goes on to say,
Now you have to realize that Shanti Deva’s audience was an audience of celibate monks. And in general, for them, there was a lot of prejudice against women. The women represented horniness, basically. And they were afraid if they got too horny they wouldn’t be able to control it and they’d break their vows. So he’s basically saying here “hey guys, you might think the problem is fair women, but really the problem is your mind.
“And if you work with your mind, you could hang out with playboy bunnies and there wouldn’t be any problem. You might actually enjoy the juice that would arise in your being, but you wouldn’t be swept away. It wouldn’t have to lead, in this case, to the breakage of your celibacy vows.”
Because if you think of it as a room full of people who are committed to being monks and keeping their vows, he’s addressing a problem which, because he addresses it frequently in the text, was clearly a big problem for them, which was their horniness.
And then on top of that, their prejudice.
But it doesn’t have to be horniness. We always want to blame our uncomfortable states of mind on somebody else.
And basically he’s saying, you can’t say, “They are bad people, or evil folk, or it’s the women’s fault or the men’s fault.”
You have to take responsibility for your own mind.
Which is profound and helpful advice.
This idea of being responsible for my own mind, not blaming someone else for how I’m feeling has been one of the most helpful Buddhist principles I’ve learned—and perhaps also one of the most challenging to practice. But because it helps me to take responsibility for my own thoughts and feelings and not blame the “other,” it facilitates the creation and maintenance of healthy communities. It stops people from projecting their “shadow” or disowned “muck” onto others — hence more harmonious relationships.
Perhaps Pema Chodron is leading the way for all spiritual traditions to have more open conversations about how to work with our very normal, natural, human sexual feelings.
Perhaps she’s showing people how to have clear, open, and honest conversations without shame, guilt, or repression, about how it’s possible to feel all of our feelings, including sexual feelings, and honor the feelings, then make a conscious and aware choice about whether or not to act on them.
Hallelujah! It’s about time!
“This idea of being responsible for my own mind, not blaming someone else for how I’m feeling has been one of the most helpful Buddhist principles I’ve learned—and perhaps also one of the most challenging to practice” 👏
Camilla-thank you so much for this! I agree that sexual energy is a potent tool and can be harnessed to accomplish amazing things. The problem is that as a culture we are told what sexuality is and that story is damaging to all humans. I would love to see the sacredness of sex be celebrated en masse and out loud. Maybe then we could ditch some of this heavy shame around such a powerful source of energy. I have a feeling sacred sexuality will come up more and more often as She becomes more conscious. Thanks again, Camilla!!!🧡✨🔥