"Fail, Fail Again, and Fail Better"
Hello beloved reader,
Again I’m delighted to welcome new subscribers, who I invite to read this September 2024 post about the blessings I offer all subscribers when a new reader subscribes:
Usually my posts go behind the paywall one month after publication, however, I’ve kept certain posts, including this one, available to read for free.
It both surprises and delights me when, in the exchange of comments on fellow writers’ Substack posts, I get an insight or realization. One of my favorite Australian writers on Substack,
, has been writing about how he dealt with terrible back pain and in the comments of his post, I quoted back to him one of his sentences that I most appreciated:"Somehow, I’d fallen into the trap of handing my peace of mind over to an external thing, instead of remembering that something so sacred can only be found internally." Beautiful realization!❤️🙏🕊️ …
Michael responded:
Thank you, Camilla. The first realisation you quoted, was one that I am very thankful to have made. And yet, this tricky life path we’re on makes it such that even though I’ve learnt that lesson intellectually, there are certainly times I fail to live out the truth of that lesson. But I’m trying. 😅 …
I wrote back:
Michael I was just saying the exact same thing to a friend recently. I now know all these spiritual and Buddhist principles on an intellectual level, but I love how you put it, and I too, often fail in putting them into practice to help to ease my suffering. It’s so much easier to fall into the unconscious habit of blaming the external circumstances (like other people😝) for my reactions. I have literally just begun writing a post about this. And I reminded myself about what the American Tibetan Buddhist nun Pema Chodron teaches, “Fail, fail again, fail better.” So much of this path we’re walking is about remembering and reminding each other about what we know in our head, but are still practicing with our hearts. But I’m grateful to be walking this path alongside people like you, and we get to write about this stuff and remind each other😁❤️🙏🏼🕊
Perhaps this is what I love most about Substack. How our writing serves each other’s evolution of consciousness.
And in the meantime, I’m astounded by how sometimes I STILL get so deeply lost in my thoughts and emotions, that I completely lose awareness of what’s going on within me, of my interiority, and of that observing awareness.
I lose connection with ‘consciousness’ in the spiritual sense.
And it’s only in retrospect that I can see how the power of denial can lead me to live in my delusions.
Denial of consciousness, denial of connection with that observing awareness, and identification with the judging and condemning thoughts about others, that arise in reaction to not wanting to feel what I’m feeling, of not wanting to simply recognize, “It’s like this.”
And if I blame another for how I feel, I don’t have to meet my own pain.
And then it takes time for me to come back to center again. To regain my equanimity.
My spiritual practice or sadhana is like the keel of a sailboat: it brings me back to center, time and time again. And what a relief it is to come back to equanimity!
If you’re a long-time reader, feel free to skip this section. But if you may be a newer reader, and you may like to read more about how to design a spiritual practice or sadhana, in the book I serialized on this Substack, The Rising of the Divine Feminine and the Buddhist Monks Across the Road: A Memoir, in Part One I offer a braided narrative of a section of the spiritual journeys my husband and I have been walking alongside each other. This Table of Contents gives you an overall synopsis of the whole story in the book, and offers a way to navigate through it.
And the following two chapters are particularly relevant to designing one’s own spiritual practice. A link and a ChatGPT 100-word synopsis (somewhat edited) for each of these chapters follows:
In Chapter 7, Camilla Sanderson recounts her transformative introduction to a structured spiritual practice she learns with Rev. Stephanie at the Tree of Life Interfaith Temple. Rev. Stephanie emphasizes the importance of sadhana — a daily spiritual practice — as a crucible for healing, self-discovery, and personal & spiritual growth. Encouraging individual approaches, Rev. Stephanie supports connection with one’s inner divinity and authority, an essential aspect of interfaith spirituality. Camilla reflects on her own sadhana’s multifaceted purpose: cultivating peace, creating a space to be with emotions as they arise and pass, and illuminating unconscious shadows. This chapter explores how, during the seminary’s rigorous coursework and communal support, when one designs and commits to a spiritual practice, it can help to counter patriarchal narratives, honor the Divine Feminine, and nurture personal transformation — that alchemical transformation of suffering into spiritual growth. This chapter also delves into the unique and personal purposes sadhana serves for each participant.
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In Chapter 9, Camilla begins her two-year commitment to a daily spiritual practice. Rev. Stephanie introduces Camilla to the mantra Gobinday Mukanday, a sacred chant for cultivating courage. This moment is transformative, as the mantra’s vibrations resonate deeply within Camilla, bypassing her intellect and nourishing her soul; evoking profound emotional healing and courage to embrace her authentic spirituality. Through this sacred sound, she begins to release fears and uncover her true self, free from societal masks and roles she’s expected to play in a patriarchal culture, as a woman, and as a ‘wife.’ Despite resistance and self-doubt, Camilla experiences how courage helps her in facing fear about showing up in the world as who she truly is. This chapter explores the transformative power of intention, mantra, and persistence when walking a spiritual path.
I’m so grateful to be connected with other writers here on Substack who write about spiritual and Buddhist principles that can help to ease mental and emotional suffering and transform it into spiritual growth. Because that’s what reflected back to me, I now realize, what I didn’t want to look at when investigating my suffering around holiday gatherings.
It’s his fault I feel like this.
Was the classic victim archetype I unconsciously embodied. Talk about disempowering.
I am responsible for my feelings. And as a very wise older friend texted to me:
I’m sensitive too — a big strength in both of us. Over the years I’ve gotten better and better at letting family stuff be. It’s not me. Not mine. Not my business. Just note and move my mind on and most important ground it in my quiet empty still interior space. [This has lessened my suffering]♥️♥️
I’ve also heard Eckhart Tolle say time and time again, “Life will give you whatever experience you need for the evolution of your consciousness. And how do you know it’s the experience you need? Because this is the experience you’re having.”
When I’m challenged, I get the opportunity to grow.
And wow, do I get challenged by other people sometimes. And this is where I get the opportunity to grow.
If you’re not a brand-new subscriber, you may remember this November 23rd post:
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Part of what I wrote about was a section about feeling anxiety regarding upcoming holiday gatherings — leading to me writing this post: fail, fail again, fail better😂 at least I can laugh about the trials of having a human experience as a spiritual being.
But I’m delighted to see this post resonating with readers. Last I looked, the number of reads was up to 622, and this Substack has 391 readers, which means it’s being shared with readers who are not subscribers. THANK YOU FOR SHARING❤️🙏🕊️
I’m thrilled about this. And when unconsciously identified with my ego, also a little terrified to see my writing travel like this.
But when I can remember it’s not about me, and it’s not about me identifying with my ego, it’s about the writing serving the readers, I feel immense gratitude. I feel truly blessed and I get such a heart-lift. It feels like I’m living my soul’s purpose aka I’m living my dharma.
Thank you for reading❤️🙏🕊️
What a pleasant surprise to myself featured in your post Camilla. I’m flattered. It’s funny really, since we had that little comment exchange where you mentioned the saying ‘fail better’ — I have been thinking about it a lot. It’s just such a good one.
And as synchronicity would have it, I also really loved the quote from Mr Tolle you shared in this post:
“Life will give you whatever experience you need for the evolution of your consciousness. And how do you know it’s the experience you need? Because this is the experience you’re having.”
— I think I’m gonna be thinking about that one for a while too! :)
My dad used to say “Go out on a limb. If you don’t fall off, you haven’t gone out far enough.”