Wednesday April 26, 2023
Good morning Beloved Reader,
From my perspective, the capacity to observe and to judge are BOTH important tools to have in our tool bags. And my intention is to remember to be aware of how they are different, and to be able to consciously choose how and when I may employ each tool.
In addition to being a word nerd, I have also found that definitions can bring more clarity:
Judge (verb) to form an opinion or conclusion about somebody/something.
Observe (verb) to notice or perceive somebody/something.
(these definitions are an amalgamation created from definitions in the Oxford English Dictionary, the Cambridge Dictionary, the Merriam-Webster, and dictionary.com)
Perhaps when I judge, that’s when my ego gets hooked: I get attached to my opinion being “right.” My ego loves to be right. Or maybe it’s when I’m unconsciously identified with my ego—i.e. I’m not in the awareness or the spaciousness behind the thinking brain—maybe that’s when I judge. Which comes first? The ego or the judging?
In contrast to judging and ego, I’m fascinated by the fact that I experience peace and calm in the act of observing, noticing, paying attention. Which makes me think of what the beloved poet Mary Oliver wrote:
Instructions for living a life:
Pay attention.
Be astonished.
Tell about it.
But when I’m judging, I get self-righteous, and I find that I’m more likely to project my shadow, or my “muck” onto someone else. It’s much harder to own my shadow if I’ve judged a certain character trait as “bad.”
One trick that helps me become aware if I have ego in the game: if I catch myself judging another person, I practice remembering to say, “…and I am that too.” When I recognize and acknowledge the character trait may also exist within me too, it stops the judging, but still allows me to discuss an aspect of character.
For example, there are so many character traits we so often judge as “bad,” negative, or un-wanted: to be selfish, arrogant, ignorant, rude, greedy, aggressive, disrespectful, manipulative, etc. But the reality is that we’re all spiritual beings having this human experience and while we may choose to cultivate the positive “seeds” that Thich Nhat Hanh writes about in depth, we also still have the seeds of the negative character traits too. Our shadow.
But can we allow a negative character trait to exist within ourselves and another, without judging and condemning it?
Three quotes that help me to remember to practice “…and I am that too”:
“Everything that irritates us about others can lead us to a deeper understanding of ourselves.” —Carl Jung
“If you judge people, you have no time to love them.” —Mother Teresa
We can never judge the lives of others,
because each person knows only their own pain and renunciation.
It's one thing to feel that you are on the right path,
but it's another to think that yours is the only path.
—Paulo Coelho
I often find that I write into what I most need to remember to practice✨🌟💖🙏🕊️
The truth of my experience with other people is that we all have differing perspectives and realities. There is an old story about 7 writers who take a raft down a river. You could say that they all just had the same experience, and yet each one writes an entirely different story. Everyone has their own perspective and reality. Maybe it’s like a diamond: each facet offers a different aspect of the diamond, but they’re all facets of the same gemstone.
I continue to observe how we are at a point in “his-tory and her-story” where all of the divine feminine energies that have been suppressed for thousands of years, are now rising up once again.
Perhaps the capacity to observe is more YIN/feminine, whereas perhaps the capacity to judge is more YANG/masculine—and this has nothing to do with being male or female. Each one of us has—what has been labeled—masculine and feminine qualities or energies within us, and again we need BOTH. Different circumstances call for different energies and tools.
Perhaps also the dominant patriarchy has instilled in every human being a tendency towards judging, and often condemning what we believe to be “bad,” or worthless, or of no value. But if we can catch ourselves judging, we have the opportunity to stop and observe, and practice compassion, radical acceptance, and loving kindness; in addition to also practicing discernment and keeping healthy boundaries.
I wonder if this tendency towards judging is perhaps fostered by the Abrahamic religions, with the idea that the “ultimate authority of God” will be the judge after one dies.
Whereas my experience of Buddhism is that it encourages the practice of observing rather than judging. And I have found that observing often leads me to a deeper understanding of myself and others.
And my experience of interfaith is that it encourages us to connect with our own inner authority and divinity.
This is amazing. I try to live by the shortened form of the Jungian quote: “You spot it, you got it.” That the things that bother us most in others are our own worst character defects.
Also, taking the condor view, the birds’ eye perspective, allows us to look down upon our lives, rather than wallow about in the muck of it. Easier said than done, of course. But it helps to maintain a “curious, not critical” outlook on ourselves. Thank you, scribe-goddess!