Thursday December 1st, 2022
Good morning Beloved reader,
This time of year many of us think about family—which includes our families of origin, the families we are brought into through our partners (i.e. our in-laws, also known as out-laws 😉) and the families we create ourselves.
‘Family’ is a loaded word for so many people, myself included. There are so many expectations around what family is and ‘should’ be, and so much cultural conditioning to believe that ‘family’ is the be-all and end-all. My sense is that the patriarchal paradigm has suppressed the Divine Feminine by insisting that we all “get married and live happily ever after,” but perhaps the reality is that the dominant patriarchal religion simply taught women to sacrifice themselves to try to make families work.
I follow “The Holistic Psychologist” on social media and she has a beautiful post about “Love as Sacrifice” versus “Love as Growth”:
As our cultural understanding of ‘Love as Growth’ deepens and we learn how to put ‘Love as Growth’ into practice, we transform our relationships. And as we transform the relationships in our families, we transform the relationships in our societies and in the world.
I have a clear vision of how, if we all do this inner work, our human species may move forward in peace and bring healing to our planet.
~
Eckhart Tolle accurately observes that families are crucibles for unconscious behavior. It’s also true that when we have a long history with anyone, it’s necessary to practice mindfulness to keep ourselves in the present moment and not lapse into unconscious behavior. It’s simply all too easy to lapse into unconscious behavior, which serves no one.
If you want evidence for the rational part of your mind or for your inner patriarch: through studying world religions for two years in interfaith seminary, in addition to in-depth reading in the fields of mind-body-spirit-emotions; listening to many hours of Eckhart Tolle teachings; and my own inner knowing—and we all have this inner authority, inner divinity, and inner knowing—there is a clear pointing towards the inextricable link between challenges and awakening.
And what better crucible for challenge, than family!
Like Ram Dass said, “You think you’re so enlightened? Go spend a week with your family.”
And yet, one of the most significant cultural phenomena I’m observing these days, is how people are giving themselves the freedom to do things not because of obligation, but because they make a conscious choice—I get to make a conscious and aware choice as to whether I will join a family gathering or not.
To not join a family gathering requires the capacity to cultivate the courage needed to be alone for a period of time—which is perhaps more challenging around the holidays, when the expectations are that everyone “should” be gathering. People talk about FOMO—the fear of missing out. But there is also JOMO—the joy of missing out, especially if a gathering may be toxic for you.
And I also think it wise to sometimes offer family gatherings the “blessing of my absence.” Both aspects/perspectives are true.
~
Twice a week Jamie and I pick up milk from our local CSA farm (Community Supported Agriculture) for ourselves, and for our neighbors: the Buddhist monks in the monastery across the road. When we dropped their milk off last Saturday afternoon, I was amused to see how many cars were in their car park, revealing how many guests are staying over—I remarked to Jamie that perhaps people are taking refuge after Thanksgiving family gatherings, and he laughed. There’s often humor in ego-cutting truth.
Buddhist teachings emphasize how we’re each responsible for our own feelings. When living with others in family or in community, there may be cause and effect, or intention and impact, and we get to communicate to our loved one how we feel, but our feeling is still our own responsibility.
Each of us gets to hold the space and feel the feeling, and allow it to pass—not cling to it. Like the neuroanatomist Jill Bolte Taylor points out in her book, My Stroke of Insight, each feeling lasts for only 90 seconds, and if it’s lasting longer it’s because I’m clinging to it.
We get to choose to respond with awareness, not react with unconsciousness.
The monks recognize that we cannot change anyone else, we can only change how we respond to a situation—and they encourage responding with awareness, compassion, and loving-kindness, versus reacting in an unconscious way. I love these beautiful spiritual principles, but they’re not always easy to practice!
Another thing I’m noticing in this era of the Rising of the Divine Feminine is how many women are practicing speaking their own truth. And how liberating this feels. When I hear a woman speak her own deep, heart-felt truth, it often gives me goosebumps. My own heart resonates with hers as she claims her truth. One of the places I’ve experienced this is through sitting in sacred circles with other women, and in conversations with women friends and with each of my three sisters and mother.
And another observation: how Covid has made us slow down, reassess our values, shift our attention from consuming, criticizing, comparing, and controlling behaviors to a more creative, compassionate, and cooperative community vision.
Perhaps what our human race all over the world is realizing is that we each need to do the work to heal past trauma. Eckhart Tolle calls that unprocessed past trauma our “Pain Body,” and it gets activated so easily and often by old family patterns.
We cannot do the work of healing a Pain Body for anyone else. We can only process our own past wounds, and heal our own Pain Body. And in doing this healing work, it ripples outwards, and the ripple effect is powerful.
Which leads to a ‘self’ that is more aware and conscious, less identified with ego, and less reactive, which we then get to share with those we love.
And if we can get it right in families, perhaps we’ll have peace in the world!
A Medicine Woman’s Prayer
I will not rescue you, For you are not powerless.
I will not fix you, For you are not broken.
I will not heal you, For I see you in your wholeness.
I will walk with you through the darkness, As you remember your light.
from Falcon Spirit Medicine (Sheree Bliss Tilsley)
✨🌟💖🙏🕊